I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
