"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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