my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
