tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
