I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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