I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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