That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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