i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
