at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
