i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
