They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Never underestimate the power of titties
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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