question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Randomize
