I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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