Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
