you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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