my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
