I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
