wat bout pragnant strippers??
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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