Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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