omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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