you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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