8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
