I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
