I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize