Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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