Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
