My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
