Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
COCAINE IS GR8
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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