you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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