New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
