Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
