pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
