Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
