guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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