What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
