So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
jump out the window naked night went bad
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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