Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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