Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so let's talk penis.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
