In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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