do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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