I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
