my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
