I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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