Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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