I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
