Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
