Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
