the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
