we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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