i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
