I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
