My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
