here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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