and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
