I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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