I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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