This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
