Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
