Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
