From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
