The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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