I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
