I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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