I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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