if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
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