So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
How does it feel to date your dad?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
