her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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