Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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