Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
