If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm too high and old for this...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
