I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
