I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
